Lo! Behold thou a game born to Dongs, of the illustrious House Galore, in this the two thousand and thirteenth year in the light of Christ Jesus our Lord and Risen Savior. Yon game shall be named Crusader Kings the Second, may it reign long and well.
What's Crusader Kings II though?
Ck2 is a grand strategy medieval dynastic simulator video strategy game. Your mission is to guide your family through the Middle Ages, navigating a minefield of exploding manure pits and poisoned wine goblets. If you could never quite grasp why all the successful characters on Game of Thrones were such unremitting assholes, Crusader Kings II will clear it up. (ck2 protip: read Game of Thrones. Pay attention to what House Stark does. Do not do it.)
Whoever you start out as will die, as will all your other characters. Your job is to try to make sure they die of old age, and, more importantly, that the right son gets all their stuff when they die. This is harder than it sounds.
I meant to do this awhile ago, and sort of forgot, but now there's a bunch of people who just recently picked up CKII so I thought maybe this would be a appropriate time to run it. Plus EUIV is out now so if I ever actually finish this we could export the game into the next quatricentennial cycle!
How do you win
Well there's these crowns, see, and if you collect all the crowns you win Europe, but the problem is a bunch of other people have all the crowns. If you want to get a crown you have to make friends with one of the crownsmen, then marry your son to one of his vassals, then marry their grandson to crowndude's granddaughter. Then you pay off your crownfriend's priest to push him and his sons out a castle window so your grandson's hot new grandwife gets vast tracts of land which your great-grandson can inherit. Repeat several times for all of his relatives, and hooray you got the crown you won Europe - oh no wait your wife dropped a live viper down your doublet and remarried a hot Greek duke, oh no, oh no you lose, you lose at Europe
Alternatively there's this guy who's the Pope, and he's got the Top Crown, but that's God's crown so you can't have it. But if you kill lots of stout and hardy Pagans maybe he'll give you a crown of your own! However the crowns he gives you are usually full of Pagans who are unaccountably upset with you so this is not a 100% reliable means of crownment.
1st: choose a region/country for us to start in. (heads up we're gonna be starting as Dukes or Counts because just starting as a King is basically cheating) I have most of the DLC, so Catholic, Orthodox, Muslim and Pagan characters (also, republics) are all valid choices.
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1. Western Europe: France! England! Brittany! Wales! all your favorite parts of chivalric history. All Catholic. The Normans and Norwegians are at war with England. Capet France is the regional king shit. Probably the place most of you will be the most familiar with.
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2. Central/Eastern Europe: The Holy Roman Empire! Scandinavia! Poland! Bohemia! Russia! Mostly Catholic and Orthodox, some Pagan holdouts. The Salian dynasty controls the HRE, which is the most powerful force in the game but prone to internecine warfare between its many vassal kings and dukes. East of the Dneiper lie the disparate Russian kingdoms and steppe khanates.
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3. The Near East: The Byzantine Empire! Hungary! Turks! Arabs! Split between Orthodox and Muslims. Byzantium under House Doukas dominates the Balkans and Anatolia. The Seljuk Turks and Fatimid Caliphate control Persia and Egypt.
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4. The Mediterranean: Iberia! Berbers! Moors! Italy! Split between Catholics and Muslims. Leon and Castille are the most powerful Spanish kingdoms, against the Almoravids in Morocco and Andalusia. Italy is divided between many powerful duchies, roughly half of which owe fealty to the HRE.
Once there's a broad consensus on starting region (or I arbitrarily pick because everyone said different things/nobody replies because nobody loves the ol' Dongster) we may proceed to select a lusty young champion from whose loins to forge an immortal dynasty
What's Crusader Kings II though?
Ck2 is a grand strategy medieval dynastic simulator video strategy game. Your mission is to guide your family through the Middle Ages, navigating a minefield of exploding manure pits and poisoned wine goblets. If you could never quite grasp why all the successful characters on Game of Thrones were such unremitting assholes, Crusader Kings II will clear it up. (ck2 protip: read Game of Thrones. Pay attention to what House Stark does. Do not do it.)
Whoever you start out as will die, as will all your other characters. Your job is to try to make sure they die of old age, and, more importantly, that the right son gets all their stuff when they die. This is harder than it sounds.
I meant to do this awhile ago, and sort of forgot, but now there's a bunch of people who just recently picked up CKII so I thought maybe this would be a appropriate time to run it. Plus EUIV is out now so if I ever actually finish this we could export the game into the next quatricentennial cycle!
How do you win
Well there's these crowns, see, and if you collect all the crowns you win Europe, but the problem is a bunch of other people have all the crowns. If you want to get a crown you have to make friends with one of the crownsmen, then marry your son to one of his vassals, then marry their grandson to crowndude's granddaughter. Then you pay off your crownfriend's priest to push him and his sons out a castle window so your grandson's hot new grandwife gets vast tracts of land which your great-grandson can inherit. Repeat several times for all of his relatives, and hooray you got the crown you won Europe - oh no wait your wife dropped a live viper down your doublet and remarried a hot Greek duke, oh no, oh no you lose, you lose at Europe
Alternatively there's this guy who's the Pope, and he's got the Top Crown, but that's God's crown so you can't have it. But if you kill lots of stout and hardy Pagans maybe he'll give you a crown of your own! However the crowns he gives you are usually full of Pagans who are unaccountably upset with you so this is not a 100% reliable means of crownment.
1st: choose a region/country for us to start in. (heads up we're gonna be starting as Dukes or Counts because just starting as a King is basically cheating) I have most of the DLC, so Catholic, Orthodox, Muslim and Pagan characters (also, republics) are all valid choices.
Spoiler:
1. Western Europe: France! England! Brittany! Wales! all your favorite parts of chivalric history. All Catholic. The Normans and Norwegians are at war with England. Capet France is the regional king shit. Probably the place most of you will be the most familiar with.
2. Central/Eastern Europe: The Holy Roman Empire! Scandinavia! Poland! Bohemia! Russia! Mostly Catholic and Orthodox, some Pagan holdouts. The Salian dynasty controls the HRE, which is the most powerful force in the game but prone to internecine warfare between its many vassal kings and dukes. East of the Dneiper lie the disparate Russian kingdoms and steppe khanates.
3. The Near East: The Byzantine Empire! Hungary! Turks! Arabs! Split between Orthodox and Muslims. Byzantium under House Doukas dominates the Balkans and Anatolia. The Seljuk Turks and Fatimid Caliphate control Persia and Egypt.
4. The Mediterranean: Iberia! Berbers! Moors! Italy! Split between Catholics and Muslims. Leon and Castille are the most powerful Spanish kingdoms, against the Almoravids in Morocco and Andalusia. Italy is divided between many powerful duchies, roughly half of which owe fealty to the HRE.
Once there's a broad consensus on starting region (or I arbitrarily pick because everyone said different things/nobody replies because nobody loves the ol' Dongster) we may proceed to select a lusty young champion from whose loins to forge an immortal dynasty